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hp_rarefestTitle: I Am But Summer To Your Heart
Author/Artist:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
yerawizardamber
Prompt: I just want them to be together outside of James. And then James finds out.
Pairing(s): Sirius/Lily
Word Count: 3,800
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): Infidelity, angst
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: I had an awesome time writing this story-one of those where it just comes to you. Thanks to my beta, S, and to the mods for letting me join the fest a little late :) The title of this comes from a quote by Edna St. Vincent Millay- “I know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year.”
Summary: Lily knows what she and Sirius are doing is wrong, but it won't go on forever, and she doesn't love him like she loves James. Or so she tells herself.
She knew that it was wrong, what they were doing, from the moment it began. From the moment their eyes met and it felt different than the other times, when they spent hours talking in the common room until the fire burnt out, up until Sirius pressed his lips against hers and she gave in, because it felt right.
Even though Lily loved James (and she did) she fell for Sirius because he was everything that James was not. He was tall and muscular, the build of a Beater through and through, and when his arms were around her, she felt safe in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time. James was skinny and though he was strong, he had more the build of a Seeker than the Chaser that he was, and she didn't mind that about him, but she liked how strong Sirius was. James was 100% sure of himself, all the time; Sirius, on the other hand, was confident and assured in public and with his friends, but when he was around Lily, he sometimes confessed that he never knew if he was doing the right thing, and he was insecure.
So even though this thing with Sirius was wrong and she knew it, she couldn't help but justify it in her own mind sometimes. After all, she fell in love with James for all the wrong reasons...who was to say that Sirius shouldn't be the same way?
---
31 May 1978
Lily jumped when she felt Sirius' hot breath on her ear as he whispered, “Come with me.”
“I can't, my NEWTs Potions exam is in 40 minutes and I have to study.”
Sirius sighed and flopped onto the couch next to her. The common room was mercifully empty; everyone was either in their other exams or enjoying the beautiful spring day. “You don't need to study, you're a genius at Potions and Slughorn loves you. Come with me, I want to show you something.” He playfully tugged her parchment of notes away.
“Stop it,” she said, but she was fighting a smile. “Fine. But I have 39 minutes now.”
“Great,” Sirius said, a wide, playful smile on his face. He tugged her to her feet. “Where's everyone else?”
“James is finally serving his last detention with Professor Kettleburn, Remus is in the library and Peter is getting chewed out by McGonagall for who knows what.”
“So we're alone?” Sirius whispered, putting his hands on her hips, but she shoved him away.
“It seems like we are, but you never know! James can't find out, Sirius,” she said and she chewed her lip nervously as a stormy look crossed his face.
“Come on, then.” The two made their way innocently around the castle, Lily following behind him trying to figure out where he was taking her. They'd been at Hogwarts for seven years and would be leaving it for good in a week; she knew the castle inside and out. So where were they going?
Finally, Sirius stopped them in the middle of the seventh floor corridor, opposite a painting of Barnabas the Barmy. Specifically, they were standing in front of a blank wall.
“You're ridiculous. You haul me away from studying for one of my most important exams to show me a blank wall across from an ugly painting?” Lily glared at him and shoved her hair behind her ears. “And we only have 28 minutes now.”
“This is worth it, trust me,” Sirius said, and he started walking back and forth in front of the wall, eyes closed. He did it three times, and Lily stumbled backward a little. A large door appeared in front of them out of nowhere.
“What the--?” He grabbed her hand and led her through the door, which had transformed into a room. There was only a couch and some low burning candles in the small room. “What is this?” Lily asked.
“This is the Room of Requirement. Prongs and I found it in our third year when Filch was chasing us. It becomes whatever you need it to be, when you need it.” He reached out and touched her face softly, just once. “I was by here earlier, and I needed it to be somewhere we could go to be alone...where no one would burst in and see us. And this is what I got.” Sirius shrugged sheepishly.
“It's great. Really.” She came closer and kissed him. Together they went over to the couch and sat down.
As Sirius' hands went to places they previously hadn't before, feeling began to slowly take over thought and she decided that this was okay, what was happening right now. James was her first boyfriend and it was totally normal to want to experience being with more than one person. The nagging voice in the back of her head that was screaming 'but you're still with James' and 'this is his best friend' quieted down as these good feelings took over.
---
16 March 1979
“Merlin, I've missed you...”
“Sirius, wait...”
“Shh, it's been ages since I've been able to kiss you, touch you, so much as look at you the way I want to. It's bloody maddening, sitting there with you and James and watching you two all over each other.”
Lily pushed him away, sitting back on the bed in the Muggle bed and breakfast that they'd escaped to for the weekend, her with some excuse of a weekend away to try and repair her relationship with her sister, he with the plans of just disappearing-he'd been known to do it before. “James and I are never 'all over each other'. He hates showing affection in public.”
“Fine, maybe you two aren't all over each other, but Lils, just seeing him with you kills me. I want that to be us.” Sirius ran his hands through his shaggy black hair.
He needed a haircut, Lily mused, and some new clothes, as she absentmindedly picked at the hole in his Muggle jeans. Suddenly, those thoughts terrified her. They were so normal, so everyday, so commonplace. They were things she thought about James when she looked at him, the man she loved. This thing with Sirius was supposed to be about passion and romance and excitement, something that she used to feel more wild and dangerous. However, she realized, after almost a year of secret fucking in seedy motels and dinners in restaurants miles and miles away where no one would recognize them, this was edging out of the affair category and dangerously close to the relationship one.
She was not in love with Sirius Black. She was in love with James Potter. She loved Sirius only in the way that a close friend does, or the way a lover does. She loved him for the way he knew exactly how to please her, that he knew what type of wine she liked and how long it took until she was comfortable. He knew what she needed. She did not love him in the way that meant she wanted to spend forever with him, and wake up next to him every morning. Sirius Black was passionate and romantic and exciting, he was spontaneous and dangerous and prone to flights of fancy. He was not the steady, dependable man that she needed.
Sure, he was always there when she needed him, and he had never failed to show up for one of their meetings (though maybe that was more for sex than anything else), and he told her he loved her as he did everything he could to make her as happy as possible. Oh Merlin's beard fucking shit this is not what you should be thinking.
“That can never be us, Sirius,” she said suddenly, realizing that her leg was touching his as she moved it away.
“Why not?” he asked in a low voice, one that reminded her of his Animagus form for some reason. “If something ever happened between you two...”
“Then it would be awful because we...we love each other,” she said, her voice small and her eyes fixed on a point across the room. She couldn't look at him. “And James would need you to be there for him, not getting together with me. You're his best friend.”
“I'm aware,” Sirius said coldly. “I just want to be with you.”
Lily drew her knees up to her chest. “Why do you love me, Sirius?” she asked.
“What do you mean, 'why'?” he asked.
“I'm in love with another man, your best friend. I can only see you here and there, far away from other places. And I was never in this to be with you like that. So why do you love me?”
Sirius shrugged. “I don't know. I'm always hoping that you'll change your mind. Well, actually, I'm always hoping that we'll wake up in a different life where this is a possibility.”
“I have to tell you something,” she said. With a sigh, she reached her hand into her bag next to the bed and pulled something out. “James proposed last night.” She slipped the ring onto her finger. “I said yes.”
Sirius stared at the ring for a full minute before spitting out, “Congratulations,” in a bitter voice and turning away from her.
---
30 September 1979
The room was beautiful, lit up in a thousand glittering white lights and draped in pale yellow everywhere (Lily's favorite color). The bride and groom were in the center of the dance floor, his arm around her waist, pulling her close. It was, well, magical, for lack of a better word, and Lily looked radiant. In Sirius' opinion, she'd never looked happier, in a beautiful white dress and her hair done meticulously; she was the picture of a perfect bride, and James hadn't stopped beaming since the moment they'd said 'I do'. The perfect couple.
Sirius felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. Multiple times. He drained his glass of Ogden's Best and tried to keep his face impassive. He wanted to leave, Apparate back to his flat and get drunk and forget that this entire day had happened, but he was the best man, and the best man didn't just leave the reception an hour after it started.
The best man also shouldn't be sleeping with the bride, he thought wryly. It'd been a while, though. As the wedding got closer, the more frenzied Lily had gotten with the preparations and the longer he'd stayed away. It'd been almost three months.
As the night wore on, he drank enough Firewhiskey to put him in a comfortable haze, to blur the fact that James and Lily were entwined the whole time and to block out the images of the two shoving cake into each others' mouths. Finally, when it was half past midnight, he figured it was acceptable to excuse himself, so he went to say goodbye.
“Congratulations, man,” he said tightly to James, who gave him a sloppy, drunken hug and slurred something about being so grateful to have a best friend like him and how great he was. Sirius felt like he'd been punched again so he extracted himself from James and looked at Lily.
“I'll walk you out,” she said, grabbing his arm and leading him out into the gardens. They walked until they were far enough away so that no one would hear them, and to be on the safe side, cast a silencing charm around them.
“You look beautiful,” Sirius said, not daring to reach out and touch her. He didn't want to, not after today.
“Thanks. Did you have a nice time?” Lily asked.
“Honestly? No,” Sirius said. “But that's my problem, not yours. I do miss you, though.”
“Not tonight, Sirius...I can't, not tonight.”
“I know that.” Sirius took a step back.
“Listen, I have something to tell you. I found out yesterday that I'm...expecting.” Lily chewed on her lip nervously.
“Expecting what?”
Lily tilted her head, giving him a slightly incredulous look. “A baby.”
“You're pregnant?” Sirius asked. “It's not...mine, is it?”
“No! The Healer said I'm six weeks gone...it's been three months since we last, you know.”
“Believe me, I know,” he said, a sad smile on his face. “You always have the worst news, you know.”
“It's not bad news. I'm happy,” she said, returning his smile, though hers was slightly sad as well. There was so much she wanted to say to him, things that she couldn't even figure out how to say to herself. She settled for a quick kiss on his cheek. “Thanks for coming.”
---
1 August 1980real, squirmed in Sirius' arms, his eyes closed and his hand tightened around Sirius' finger. Lily, still exhausted from giving birth the day before, was lying in her bed at St. Mungo's and smiling at the sight in front of her. James was perched on the edge of her bed, his arm around her.
“He's perfect,” Sirius said, and a grin split out on James' face.
“Right, mate? He looks just like me,” James said, puffing his chest out with pride. “We have something to tell you.”
Sirius immediately flicked his eyes at Lily, who just smiled at him, silently indicating that it was nothing upsetting this time.
“Okay?”
“Lily and I were talking, and we'd love it if you'd be Harry's godfather.” James sat forward on the bed, his face still split into that wide smile.
Sirius looked down at the tiny baby in his arms. He didlook just like James, from his small patch of messy black hair down to his small nose and chin. Then, however, Harry opened his eyes and Sirius saw they were Lily's. Identical, bright green eyes staring up at him.
“I'd be honored,” Sirius said, looking up from one pair of emerald eyes to the other.
---
4 June 1981
Sirius and Lily's 'relationship', if that was what it was called, had greatly slowed down since Harry had been born. Really, it had been since the wedding-Sirius had been unable to touch Lily at all while she was pregnant, hadn't wanted to, and Lily had been too uncomfortable to pursue their relationship any more. Since Harry had been born, it had been hard to get away, and she hadn't wanted to. For the first time ever, it seemed, she was happy with exactly what she had.
But she had come to realize that she loved him. Sirius. A part of her that she didn't acknowledge all the time loved him and cared about him. And she knew he loved her; he told her all the time, not always verbally, but it was in his eyes, in the way he touched her when they were together.
She had to end it. It had gone from the occasional release, their fucking in secret places where no one would find them, to something much more, and she felt she was stringing Sirius along and keeping him from finding a real girlfriend. Plus there was James to think about, as there always was. They'd been doing this for three years. She had been monstrously betraying him, and the birth of their son had truly gotten her to see this. And because she had betrayed her husband, she decided to end her three year long affair with his best friend in the worst possible way that she could think of: she wrote him a letter.
Dear Sirius,
I can't think of a way to tell you this in person so I wrote you a letter. I can't do this anymore. Us. Together. It's been over three years and we can't do this anymore. Even though we're the only ones who know, we're hurting the people closest to us. I am a wife and a mother and I have to start thinking of them instead of me and my own selfish actions. The fact that I allowed myself to do this for so long is, I think, a testament to how selfish I am.
It's also a testament to the fact that I do love you, Sirius. I don't know that I've ever said it to you, but I do. That's also why this has to end. You need to find someone to spend your life with and move on from me. I'm hurting you by stringing you along, staying with you. For that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of this.
Lily
She sealed the letter and sent it off with the family owl, biting her lip as she watched him fly off it with it.
Twenty minutes later she was feeding Harry when the owl came back with a letter addressed to her. Thankful that James was still out with Remus, she slid her thumb under the flap and pulled out the letter, which had only one sentence on it:
You either always love someone or you never did in the first place.
---
29 October 1981
“YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND?”
Lily spun around and stared at James, and her eyes widened when she saw what he was holding. “Where did you get that?”
James waved her journal at her. “Found it in our bedroom, Lily. You've been fucking my best friend for three fucking years? Are you serious?”
Lily went forward and grabbed her journal from him. “Be quiet, you'll wake Harry.”
“He'll be fine! What the hell is this about?”
Lily felt a blush creep up her neck and she cast her eyes down at the book in her hands. “This was supposed to be private, it had a charm on it.”
“Yes, well, I'm very adept at charms, aren't I? What you did was a million times worse than me magically picking the lock on your diary.” James started pacing back and forth, apparently unable to just stand still and look at her. “I find this and I think that it'll just be a bunch of stuff about how...I don't know, happy you are with us and our son and our life and then I read it and I see shit about you loving Sirius. How you're so concerned about the fact that you love him and that he loves you so much and how you've been fucking him for three fucking years and we got married and had a child and I never knew you were fucking my best friend!”
Hot tears spilled down Lily's cheeks and she threw her journal on the ground; in his room, Harry started crying but she didn't go to him, not right away. “I'm sorry! James, I am so sorry, neither of us never meant to hurt you. It was just something that happened, and it shouldn't have and I feel so awfully about it, but I ended it. James, I ended it months ago and I don't love him anymore--”
James cut her off with a bitter “Save it. I can't even look at you right now. And Sirius...I'm going to kill him.” He strode out of their home in Godric's Hollow and Disapparated. Harry's cries broke through Lily's shock and she went to his room and picked him up. Their tears matched as she rocked him, soothing him as best as she could as she tried to soothe herself.
Remus stopped by for a visit the next day while James was at work to see her. He told her that Sirius was sporting a black eye and had had a broken nose and some other bruising taken care of at St. Mungo's after James was through with him.
Remus stirred the cup of tea she'd given him idly as he recounted what he knew to have happened. “It was pretty bad. James beat the shit out of him then told him he never wanted to speak to him again, and that if he ever came near him or you or Harry again, he'd kill him.” Lily started crying again as she sank into a chair across from him at the table, her face in her hands.
“He's sleeping on the couch. He hasn't looked at me or spoken to me since he left yesterday afternoon,” Lily sniffled. “He just goes to Harry, takes care of him, and ignores me.”
Remus let her cry for a few more minutes before saying in a quiet voice, “How could you and Sirius do this, Lily? And for so long?”
She just shook her head and closed her eyes.
---
31 October 1981
Lily was sitting on the couch holding Harry, who had just woken up that morning. She didn't want to put him down, not yet, and he was content to stay tucked in her arms. He was her tie to James, and she didn't want to let him go. She cast her eyes down and thought of how the sayings really were true: you didn't know what you had until it was gone. Starting an affair with Sirius in their last year at Hogwarts had been wrong. Not just wrong, it had been stupid and reckless and incredibly, incredibly selfish.
James came out of the bathroom and put on his robes as he headed towards the door. Then he came back and stood in the living room, looking at her. “I've changed our Secret Keeper from Sirius to Peter. You should know.” He kissed Harry on the forehead and said softly, “Love you, little man,” then with one last long, forlorn look at her, he left.
Lily didn't know where they stood, but maybe there was hope. Maybe with a little time and patience, she could get James to see that she loved him more than an affair with his best friend. That was why she'd always stayed in the first place. She held tightly to Harry and thought of their future, which was cloudy at best but in her mind, very, very real.
Author/Artist:
yerawizardamberPrompt: I just want them to be together outside of James. And then James finds out.
Pairing(s): Sirius/Lily
Word Count: 3,800
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): Infidelity, angst
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: I had an awesome time writing this story-one of those where it just comes to you. Thanks to my beta, S, and to the mods for letting me join the fest a little late :) The title of this comes from a quote by Edna St. Vincent Millay- “I know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year.”
Summary: Lily knows what she and Sirius are doing is wrong, but it won't go on forever, and she doesn't love him like she loves James. Or so she tells herself.
She knew that it was wrong, what they were doing, from the moment it began. From the moment their eyes met and it felt different than the other times, when they spent hours talking in the common room until the fire burnt out, up until Sirius pressed his lips against hers and she gave in, because it felt right.
Even though Lily loved James (and she did) she fell for Sirius because he was everything that James was not. He was tall and muscular, the build of a Beater through and through, and when his arms were around her, she felt safe in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time. James was skinny and though he was strong, he had more the build of a Seeker than the Chaser that he was, and she didn't mind that about him, but she liked how strong Sirius was. James was 100% sure of himself, all the time; Sirius, on the other hand, was confident and assured in public and with his friends, but when he was around Lily, he sometimes confessed that he never knew if he was doing the right thing, and he was insecure.
So even though this thing with Sirius was wrong and she knew it, she couldn't help but justify it in her own mind sometimes. After all, she fell in love with James for all the wrong reasons...who was to say that Sirius shouldn't be the same way?
31 May 1978
Lily jumped when she felt Sirius' hot breath on her ear as he whispered, “Come with me.”
“I can't, my NEWTs Potions exam is in 40 minutes and I have to study.”
Sirius sighed and flopped onto the couch next to her. The common room was mercifully empty; everyone was either in their other exams or enjoying the beautiful spring day. “You don't need to study, you're a genius at Potions and Slughorn loves you. Come with me, I want to show you something.” He playfully tugged her parchment of notes away.
“Stop it,” she said, but she was fighting a smile. “Fine. But I have 39 minutes now.”
“Great,” Sirius said, a wide, playful smile on his face. He tugged her to her feet. “Where's everyone else?”
“James is finally serving his last detention with Professor Kettleburn, Remus is in the library and Peter is getting chewed out by McGonagall for who knows what.”
“So we're alone?” Sirius whispered, putting his hands on her hips, but she shoved him away.
“It seems like we are, but you never know! James can't find out, Sirius,” she said and she chewed her lip nervously as a stormy look crossed his face.
“Come on, then.” The two made their way innocently around the castle, Lily following behind him trying to figure out where he was taking her. They'd been at Hogwarts for seven years and would be leaving it for good in a week; she knew the castle inside and out. So where were they going?
Finally, Sirius stopped them in the middle of the seventh floor corridor, opposite a painting of Barnabas the Barmy. Specifically, they were standing in front of a blank wall.
“You're ridiculous. You haul me away from studying for one of my most important exams to show me a blank wall across from an ugly painting?” Lily glared at him and shoved her hair behind her ears. “And we only have 28 minutes now.”
“This is worth it, trust me,” Sirius said, and he started walking back and forth in front of the wall, eyes closed. He did it three times, and Lily stumbled backward a little. A large door appeared in front of them out of nowhere.
“What the--?” He grabbed her hand and led her through the door, which had transformed into a room. There was only a couch and some low burning candles in the small room. “What is this?” Lily asked.
“This is the Room of Requirement. Prongs and I found it in our third year when Filch was chasing us. It becomes whatever you need it to be, when you need it.” He reached out and touched her face softly, just once. “I was by here earlier, and I needed it to be somewhere we could go to be alone...where no one would burst in and see us. And this is what I got.” Sirius shrugged sheepishly.
“It's great. Really.” She came closer and kissed him. Together they went over to the couch and sat down.
As Sirius' hands went to places they previously hadn't before, feeling began to slowly take over thought and she decided that this was okay, what was happening right now. James was her first boyfriend and it was totally normal to want to experience being with more than one person. The nagging voice in the back of her head that was screaming 'but you're still with James' and 'this is his best friend' quieted down as these good feelings took over.
16 March 1979
“Merlin, I've missed you...”
“Sirius, wait...”
“Shh, it's been ages since I've been able to kiss you, touch you, so much as look at you the way I want to. It's bloody maddening, sitting there with you and James and watching you two all over each other.”
Lily pushed him away, sitting back on the bed in the Muggle bed and breakfast that they'd escaped to for the weekend, her with some excuse of a weekend away to try and repair her relationship with her sister, he with the plans of just disappearing-he'd been known to do it before. “James and I are never 'all over each other'. He hates showing affection in public.”
“Fine, maybe you two aren't all over each other, but Lils, just seeing him with you kills me. I want that to be us.” Sirius ran his hands through his shaggy black hair.
He needed a haircut, Lily mused, and some new clothes, as she absentmindedly picked at the hole in his Muggle jeans. Suddenly, those thoughts terrified her. They were so normal, so everyday, so commonplace. They were things she thought about James when she looked at him, the man she loved. This thing with Sirius was supposed to be about passion and romance and excitement, something that she used to feel more wild and dangerous. However, she realized, after almost a year of secret fucking in seedy motels and dinners in restaurants miles and miles away where no one would recognize them, this was edging out of the affair category and dangerously close to the relationship one.
She was not in love with Sirius Black. She was in love with James Potter. She loved Sirius only in the way that a close friend does, or the way a lover does. She loved him for the way he knew exactly how to please her, that he knew what type of wine she liked and how long it took until she was comfortable. He knew what she needed. She did not love him in the way that meant she wanted to spend forever with him, and wake up next to him every morning. Sirius Black was passionate and romantic and exciting, he was spontaneous and dangerous and prone to flights of fancy. He was not the steady, dependable man that she needed.
Sure, he was always there when she needed him, and he had never failed to show up for one of their meetings (though maybe that was more for sex than anything else), and he told her he loved her as he did everything he could to make her as happy as possible. Oh Merlin's beard fucking shit this is not what you should be thinking.
“That can never be us, Sirius,” she said suddenly, realizing that her leg was touching his as she moved it away.
“Why not?” he asked in a low voice, one that reminded her of his Animagus form for some reason. “If something ever happened between you two...”
“Then it would be awful because we...we love each other,” she said, her voice small and her eyes fixed on a point across the room. She couldn't look at him. “And James would need you to be there for him, not getting together with me. You're his best friend.”
“I'm aware,” Sirius said coldly. “I just want to be with you.”
Lily drew her knees up to her chest. “Why do you love me, Sirius?” she asked.
“What do you mean, 'why'?” he asked.
“I'm in love with another man, your best friend. I can only see you here and there, far away from other places. And I was never in this to be with you like that. So why do you love me?”
Sirius shrugged. “I don't know. I'm always hoping that you'll change your mind. Well, actually, I'm always hoping that we'll wake up in a different life where this is a possibility.”
“I have to tell you something,” she said. With a sigh, she reached her hand into her bag next to the bed and pulled something out. “James proposed last night.” She slipped the ring onto her finger. “I said yes.”
Sirius stared at the ring for a full minute before spitting out, “Congratulations,” in a bitter voice and turning away from her.
30 September 1979
The room was beautiful, lit up in a thousand glittering white lights and draped in pale yellow everywhere (Lily's favorite color). The bride and groom were in the center of the dance floor, his arm around her waist, pulling her close. It was, well, magical, for lack of a better word, and Lily looked radiant. In Sirius' opinion, she'd never looked happier, in a beautiful white dress and her hair done meticulously; she was the picture of a perfect bride, and James hadn't stopped beaming since the moment they'd said 'I do'. The perfect couple.
Sirius felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. Multiple times. He drained his glass of Ogden's Best and tried to keep his face impassive. He wanted to leave, Apparate back to his flat and get drunk and forget that this entire day had happened, but he was the best man, and the best man didn't just leave the reception an hour after it started.
The best man also shouldn't be sleeping with the bride, he thought wryly. It'd been a while, though. As the wedding got closer, the more frenzied Lily had gotten with the preparations and the longer he'd stayed away. It'd been almost three months.
As the night wore on, he drank enough Firewhiskey to put him in a comfortable haze, to blur the fact that James and Lily were entwined the whole time and to block out the images of the two shoving cake into each others' mouths. Finally, when it was half past midnight, he figured it was acceptable to excuse himself, so he went to say goodbye.
“Congratulations, man,” he said tightly to James, who gave him a sloppy, drunken hug and slurred something about being so grateful to have a best friend like him and how great he was. Sirius felt like he'd been punched again so he extracted himself from James and looked at Lily.
“I'll walk you out,” she said, grabbing his arm and leading him out into the gardens. They walked until they were far enough away so that no one would hear them, and to be on the safe side, cast a silencing charm around them.
“You look beautiful,” Sirius said, not daring to reach out and touch her. He didn't want to, not after today.
“Thanks. Did you have a nice time?” Lily asked.
“Honestly? No,” Sirius said. “But that's my problem, not yours. I do miss you, though.”
“Not tonight, Sirius...I can't, not tonight.”
“I know that.” Sirius took a step back.
“Listen, I have something to tell you. I found out yesterday that I'm...expecting.” Lily chewed on her lip nervously.
“Expecting what?”
Lily tilted her head, giving him a slightly incredulous look. “A baby.”
“You're pregnant?” Sirius asked. “It's not...mine, is it?”
“No! The Healer said I'm six weeks gone...it's been three months since we last, you know.”
“Believe me, I know,” he said, a sad smile on his face. “You always have the worst news, you know.”
“It's not bad news. I'm happy,” she said, returning his smile, though hers was slightly sad as well. There was so much she wanted to say to him, things that she couldn't even figure out how to say to herself. She settled for a quick kiss on his cheek. “Thanks for coming.”
1 August 1980real, squirmed in Sirius' arms, his eyes closed and his hand tightened around Sirius' finger. Lily, still exhausted from giving birth the day before, was lying in her bed at St. Mungo's and smiling at the sight in front of her. James was perched on the edge of her bed, his arm around her.
“He's perfect,” Sirius said, and a grin split out on James' face.
“Right, mate? He looks just like me,” James said, puffing his chest out with pride. “We have something to tell you.”
Sirius immediately flicked his eyes at Lily, who just smiled at him, silently indicating that it was nothing upsetting this time.
“Okay?”
“Lily and I were talking, and we'd love it if you'd be Harry's godfather.” James sat forward on the bed, his face still split into that wide smile.
Sirius looked down at the tiny baby in his arms. He didlook just like James, from his small patch of messy black hair down to his small nose and chin. Then, however, Harry opened his eyes and Sirius saw they were Lily's. Identical, bright green eyes staring up at him.
“I'd be honored,” Sirius said, looking up from one pair of emerald eyes to the other.
4 June 1981
Sirius and Lily's 'relationship', if that was what it was called, had greatly slowed down since Harry had been born. Really, it had been since the wedding-Sirius had been unable to touch Lily at all while she was pregnant, hadn't wanted to, and Lily had been too uncomfortable to pursue their relationship any more. Since Harry had been born, it had been hard to get away, and she hadn't wanted to. For the first time ever, it seemed, she was happy with exactly what she had.
But she had come to realize that she loved him. Sirius. A part of her that she didn't acknowledge all the time loved him and cared about him. And she knew he loved her; he told her all the time, not always verbally, but it was in his eyes, in the way he touched her when they were together.
She had to end it. It had gone from the occasional release, their fucking in secret places where no one would find them, to something much more, and she felt she was stringing Sirius along and keeping him from finding a real girlfriend. Plus there was James to think about, as there always was. They'd been doing this for three years. She had been monstrously betraying him, and the birth of their son had truly gotten her to see this. And because she had betrayed her husband, she decided to end her three year long affair with his best friend in the worst possible way that she could think of: she wrote him a letter.
Dear Sirius,
I can't think of a way to tell you this in person so I wrote you a letter. I can't do this anymore. Us. Together. It's been over three years and we can't do this anymore. Even though we're the only ones who know, we're hurting the people closest to us. I am a wife and a mother and I have to start thinking of them instead of me and my own selfish actions. The fact that I allowed myself to do this for so long is, I think, a testament to how selfish I am.
It's also a testament to the fact that I do love you, Sirius. I don't know that I've ever said it to you, but I do. That's also why this has to end. You need to find someone to spend your life with and move on from me. I'm hurting you by stringing you along, staying with you. For that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of this.
Lily
She sealed the letter and sent it off with the family owl, biting her lip as she watched him fly off it with it.
Twenty minutes later she was feeding Harry when the owl came back with a letter addressed to her. Thankful that James was still out with Remus, she slid her thumb under the flap and pulled out the letter, which had only one sentence on it:
You either always love someone or you never did in the first place.
29 October 1981
“YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND?”
Lily spun around and stared at James, and her eyes widened when she saw what he was holding. “Where did you get that?”
James waved her journal at her. “Found it in our bedroom, Lily. You've been fucking my best friend for three fucking years? Are you serious?”
Lily went forward and grabbed her journal from him. “Be quiet, you'll wake Harry.”
“He'll be fine! What the hell is this about?”
Lily felt a blush creep up her neck and she cast her eyes down at the book in her hands. “This was supposed to be private, it had a charm on it.”
“Yes, well, I'm very adept at charms, aren't I? What you did was a million times worse than me magically picking the lock on your diary.” James started pacing back and forth, apparently unable to just stand still and look at her. “I find this and I think that it'll just be a bunch of stuff about how...I don't know, happy you are with us and our son and our life and then I read it and I see shit about you loving Sirius. How you're so concerned about the fact that you love him and that he loves you so much and how you've been fucking him for three fucking years and we got married and had a child and I never knew you were fucking my best friend!”
Hot tears spilled down Lily's cheeks and she threw her journal on the ground; in his room, Harry started crying but she didn't go to him, not right away. “I'm sorry! James, I am so sorry, neither of us never meant to hurt you. It was just something that happened, and it shouldn't have and I feel so awfully about it, but I ended it. James, I ended it months ago and I don't love him anymore--”
James cut her off with a bitter “Save it. I can't even look at you right now. And Sirius...I'm going to kill him.” He strode out of their home in Godric's Hollow and Disapparated. Harry's cries broke through Lily's shock and she went to his room and picked him up. Their tears matched as she rocked him, soothing him as best as she could as she tried to soothe herself.
Remus stopped by for a visit the next day while James was at work to see her. He told her that Sirius was sporting a black eye and had had a broken nose and some other bruising taken care of at St. Mungo's after James was through with him.
Remus stirred the cup of tea she'd given him idly as he recounted what he knew to have happened. “It was pretty bad. James beat the shit out of him then told him he never wanted to speak to him again, and that if he ever came near him or you or Harry again, he'd kill him.” Lily started crying again as she sank into a chair across from him at the table, her face in her hands.
“He's sleeping on the couch. He hasn't looked at me or spoken to me since he left yesterday afternoon,” Lily sniffled. “He just goes to Harry, takes care of him, and ignores me.”
Remus let her cry for a few more minutes before saying in a quiet voice, “How could you and Sirius do this, Lily? And for so long?”
She just shook her head and closed her eyes.
31 October 1981
Lily was sitting on the couch holding Harry, who had just woken up that morning. She didn't want to put him down, not yet, and he was content to stay tucked in her arms. He was her tie to James, and she didn't want to let him go. She cast her eyes down and thought of how the sayings really were true: you didn't know what you had until it was gone. Starting an affair with Sirius in their last year at Hogwarts had been wrong. Not just wrong, it had been stupid and reckless and incredibly, incredibly selfish.
James came out of the bathroom and put on his robes as he headed towards the door. Then he came back and stood in the living room, looking at her. “I've changed our Secret Keeper from Sirius to Peter. You should know.” He kissed Harry on the forehead and said softly, “Love you, little man,” then with one last long, forlorn look at her, he left.
Lily didn't know where they stood, but maybe there was hope. Maybe with a little time and patience, she could get James to see that she loved him more than an affair with his best friend. That was why she'd always stayed in the first place. She held tightly to Harry and thought of their future, which was cloudy at best but in her mind, very, very real.
